Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize