I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
