I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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