can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
