awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
