I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
no, he came in my armpit
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
