you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
