areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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