return my video game
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
So many bounce houses so little time
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
