They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
