Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize