Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
