I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
