Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
