please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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