my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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