i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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