i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
