Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
