You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize