the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
