I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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