I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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