He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
