Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
