I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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