Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
