Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
