In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
