I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i drank out of a bidet.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
