how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
