I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
