Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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