it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
