Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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