quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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