k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
