the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
