her vagine was all disorganized.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize