I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
