Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
