You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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