We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
