Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
