He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
