I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
