My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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