It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
i now understand why vodka
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
