My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
organizing the empties. That sober.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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