they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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