Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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