Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
