you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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