At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
