i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
