based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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