Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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