I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize